he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
