I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
