You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
