I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I need a burrito and a hug.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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