me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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