I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
