I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize