Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
My balls are so social today.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Randomize
