Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
