I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
