Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
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