Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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