I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Randomize
