I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
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