Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
