Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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