I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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