Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
My penis needs a shock collar
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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