i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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