My first STD was from a foam party
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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