the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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