After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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