So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
