Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Someone shattered a urinal.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize