Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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