my phone needs a breathalizer
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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