Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
