when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
