Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Randomize
