I cut my penus on the lid.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Rumble strips road head = magical
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
