FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
is it fun? or sober?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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