You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
