i just sent this text using only my big toe
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
