So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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