half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
vagina is talking i cant
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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