Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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