Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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