the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
