Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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