I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
