I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
