i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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