I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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