White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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