he told me I talked like a deaf person
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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