btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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