I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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