i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize