Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
