please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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