I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
