We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
