I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
