A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize