he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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