We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
